I’m really enjoying Tim Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage at the moment. As is typical Keller, he’s brilliant at engaging with the worldviews of the surrounding culture(s), and then presenting the Bible’s teaching into that context.

Obviously marriage is something of which we all have different experiences, whether from within or from looking on. We come to the subject with ‘marriage baggage’, be it expectations, wounds, scepticism, assumptions, longings. Keller’s approach feels meaningful in the way he gently brings some of those to the surface, exposing them to the fresh air of the Bible.

In his second chapter, he exposes the particular problem of self-centredness in marriage, before showing how the gospel of Jesus is “the power for marriage”. It’s not an easy or instant solution, but it is what we really need to persist in a selfless, permanent, relationship modelled on Jesus and the church.

But perhaps we don’t think we’ve got a problem. After all, marriage is about give and take, right? 

In the chapter he makes this observation about the way we can tend to ‘process’ this self-centredness in the early days of marriage. I found it a helpful rehearsal of the way I often think and respond:

In Western culture today, you decide to get married because you feel an attraction to the other person. You think he or she is wonderful. But then a year or two later – or, just as often, a month or two – three things usually happen.

First, you begin to find out how selfish this wonderful person is.

Second, you discover that the wonderful person has been going through a similar experience and he or she begins to tell you how selfish you are.

And third, though you acknowledge it in part, you conclude that your spouse’s selfishness is more problematic than your own.

This is especially true if you feel you’ve had a hard life and have experienced a lot of hurt. You say silently, “OK, I shouldn’t do that – but you don’t understand me.” The woundedness makes us minimize our own selfishness. And that’s the point at which many married couples arrive at after a relatively brief period of time.

Spotted yourself yet? Yep, me too.

It’s only once you know what you’re doing, that you know what to do with it.

Water of the Word is a collection of nearly 250 prayers, weaved from Scripture, put together to be prayed specifically by a husband concerning his wife. And if you’re someone who has been given the particular privilege and responsibility of being a husband, then I don’t know why you wouldn’t want it by your side. It’s a gem.

Reviewing a book like this is, on the one hand, a little strange. That’s because essentially it’s a book rammed-full of Scripture. As the author (or should that be editor) Andrew Case says, “if you like the Bible, you’ll like this book”. Fill it with the word of God and you can’t really go wrong!

On the other hand, I still want to publicly ‘review’ this book because it’s so excellent and so helpful. Case knows that it is easy to be a sleepy and lazy pray-er, and thus a sleepy and lazy pray-er for one’s wife. But he was inspired by George Mueller’s commendation to “pray Scripture” and so began to read the Bible seeking to pray it back to his heavenly Father about his wife. As a result, each page consists of one prayer, perhaps six or seven sentences long, and each rooted in a passage of the Bible. Case’s wording is deep and fresh, but the result is simple and brilliant.

Case writes in his preface that husbands have a model for such prayer in Jesus’ constant intercession for his bride, his people. So for husbands to love their wives “as Christ loved the church” (Ephesians 5:25) will involve praying for them. The title then comes from Ephesians 5:26, where Jesus is described as making his bride holy by “the washing of water with the Word”. Scripture is part of our God-given means by which we seek our wives’ spiritual well-being. And Scripture + Prayer = this book.

I’ve by no means used every page yet, but I’ve found Water of the Word to be a great aid to my own faltering prayer. Like the popular book, Valley of Vision, it’s just very helpful to be given good words to pray. And in this case all these ‘good’ words are essentially lifted straight from Scripture. So, very good! In particular, I’ve appreciated both the call of this book to not neglect praying for my own wife, but also its support in actually giving those prayers some substance.

As a husband learns to pray for his wife, he is acknowledging that ultimately his wife’s needs are bigger than anything he can meet, and vice-versa. What every person needs most is God, and so what better thing is there than to pray to God for someone. As such I’ll finish off with these words from Case:

Of what good is it to do everything for your wife but the best thing? To bring all kinds of earthly goods before her for substance and honour is commendable, but to what end if you do not bring her before God? Will lifting up her by words of kindness and compliment suffice if you fail to lift her up before her Creator with supplications and thanksgivings? Why should you praise her for her beauty when you omit to exalt her Father for such matchless handiwork? You are not enough for her. Your strength is not strong enough for her. You are powerless to change her heart. Therefore pray.

You can pick up a copy of Water of the Word from its publisher 10ofthose, here, for only £6.99, with free postage. And before you ask, yes, there is a wife’s version now available too.

Full disclosure: The publisher sent me a copy of the book for free, but I hope this is still a fair and honest review!

There’s lots of talk at the moment about Christianity needing to ‘get with the programme’ when it comes to its approach to matters of sex and relationships. The out of date needs to get up to speed and the traditional needs to get a bit more radical.

But three articles have crossed my path in the last few weeks that have reminded how Christianity’s approach has something far more attractive, far more ‘radical’, than much of what we see in our culture. Largely we live at a time in the West where the individual is championed above all. The individual’s rights, desires, perspective, whether that be in regard to marriage, sexuality or dating, and a whole host of other areas of life. It’s all about me. 

Yet these three pieces show Christianity putting forward something different. Something that is turned radically outward. Something that offers a different way.

One where our natural inclination to self-infatuation and turning to a lover to meet all our needs is confronted with a commitment to community shaped by the Lover who is eternally faced outwards.

I found these a healthy challenge. Have a read…

– On Marriage & Community:

Marriage for the Common Good:

“When lovers are staring into one another’s eyes, their backs are to the world.”

Theologian James K. A. Smith argues that we need a radical correction to the typical view of marriage that pervades in our culture and in our churches. Which way are you facing?

– On Sexuality & Community:

Traditional Sexuality, Radical Community:

“I believe one of the most serious callings of the church in our age is to create new, counter cultural plausibility structures that makes the life and demands of the gospel plausible, practical and attractive.”

Pastor Corey Widmer puts forward a vision for church community that is hugely important for our cultural moment, when the Bible’s teaching is increasingly questioned and when following Jesus is deemed to be too costly.

– On Dating & Community:

Dating Advice You Actually Need:

“Over the years I’ve come to see that there is one key mark of a maturing relationship centered and continually centring itself on Christ…”

A refreshing approach to dating from Derek Rishmawy, and you’ll probably be surprised what the advice is. Turns out it was pretty essential for me.

What do you think?